*** JOKES ***

[PicturesForYourEars]

Can't believe I just signed up!

***CRANE!***

Ex-radio production guy and on air guy who worked coast to coast St. John's to Victoria...in a past life.

Never thought I'd do anything but radio when I started on air at age 16. HOW THE WORLD HAS CHANGED. GAWD I MISS THOSE GOOD OLD DAYS!

Stayed at places I should've left. Left places I should've stayed.

Been fired by the best of 'em!


These days just being a daddy to my 5 year old.

Would love to hear from you..especially if our paths ever crossed.

Gary Crane.



Collecting any and all jokes, especially "photos with cute caption" types.
I have over 1,000 jokes; could recipricate!


direct email: garycrane@yahoo.com

[jon]

I generally fly by the opening joke in the Edmonton Sun's Hicks on Six, but this one caught my eye:

Dear Santa Claus

For Christmas this year, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer.

[Steve Sanderson]

A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper,' an ice cream parlor in Naples,

and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered

a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, " Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "hemorrhoids."

[Neumann Sennheiser]

A duck walks in to a bar wearing a hard-hat and packing a lunch-box, sits down and says: "Gimme a Coors and a shot of Jack".
Bartender says: Wow! A talking duck. Don't see that in here very often".
Duck replies: " Well, I'll be in here every day at quitting time. I'm working the condo constructions across the street".
Earlier the next day a guy in a circus ringmaster outfit walks into the bar and the bartender proceeds to tell him about the talking duck. The ringmaster gives the bartender his business card and tells him to make sure to give it to the duck and have him call me right away. "I've got a job waiting for him" says the ringmaster.
Later the same day at 5:00, in walks the duck right on time and the bartender gives the duck the card and says that the circus has a job for him.
"A circus"? says the duck.
"That's right, a circus" answers the bartender.
"You mean like with tents"? asks the duck
"I guess so". says the barkeep.
"Tents with canvas walls and roofs"? further inquires the mallard.
"That would figure". says the bartender.
And the duck says:......
"So why the hell do they want to hire a plasterer"?

[Steve Sanderson]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

[Steve Sanderson]

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."

[Steve Sanderson]

A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it. So, he asked, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"

The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106-years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

[jon]

True stories often make the best jokes. Unfortunately, we didn't carry cameras back in 1970 when this one happened, so no picture with caption.

Harvey (I think that was his name) was a rather clumsy kid in Grade 13 when I was in Grade 12 in Burnaby. Back then, Grade 13 in B.C. was meant for kids who either didn't graduate from high school or didn't have the marks for university or community college, allowing them to take both first year university level courses and high school courses.

First time a friend and I saw Harvey at UBC was very early in First Year, driving his mother's maroon Valiant. "Hey, that's Harvey!"

Within the minute we were stopped at the light on Imperial at Boundary Road, his 15 seconds of fame came. Our first sighting of him was at an Esso station, stopping for gas on the way to UBC in morning rush hour. He seemed to be unsure of which side of the gas pump island he should be on, started accelerating, and then nailed the pump head on. Gas was shooting up everywhere. Three or four Esso uniformed guys come running out of the glass doors.

Within 10 days, they had those steel concrete-filled posts you see at each end of a pump island now.

And, for months, that car went unrepaired. Everytime my friend and I passed it in the UBC student parking lot, we'd either laugh out loud, or tell anyone with us the story. Likewise with those posts on the pump islands, it took me several months to not laugh whenever I saw a station with them.

[yee-haw]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

If you like that one, you might like this one Sandyman

A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar.

The bartender says "What is this....some kind of a joke?

[VancouverTopFortyRadio]

This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.

"So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

[Steve Sanderson]

I attended a party this past week.
After checking out all the well-dressed guests at the party, I spotted an attractive woman (standing alone) across the room. When I approached and asked her name, she coyly replied... "Carmen." Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, I responded with "That's a beautiful name, is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I like most in the world - cars and men." Then she asked, "What's your name?"
"Golftits," I replied.

[Russ_Byth]

Say goodnight Gracie!

[jon]

Overheard:

"I wish those telemarketers would stop bugging me to give money to help save the South American rainforests. I thought I was already doing enough by buying all my books, CDs and DVDs from Amazon.ca."

[Steve Sanderson]

You're An EXTREME Redneck When...

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, y'all, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15.. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

[Steve Sanderson]

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine?'asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favorite cow, Bessie, into the....'

'I didn't ask for any details',the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, ' Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please
tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said
to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down
the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit
my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was
thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman
on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he
went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took
out his gun and shot her between the eyes..

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me,
and said, 'How are you feeling?' '
Now what the f@#k would you have said?