Part 38: The Bitch Reporter

"Memories of nearly 50 years in the Biz"

Part 38: The Bitch Reporter

Postby Brian Lord » Fri May 13, 2011 6:47 am

Brian Lord Radio Stories

#38 The Bitch Reporter (NO offense to women)


by Edward Caswell (Brian Lord)


During the Arab-Israeli "Six Day War" in 1967, the Israeli military had attached huge Bulldozer blades to the front of their tanks in order to deflect Syrian rocket and small-arms fire thus enabling the vehicles to successfully climb the cliffs and gain access to the Golan Heights. These hybrid leviathans would serve as a remarkably accurate description of a member of the Metro Radio staff named Belinda Caminada. Bea, as she was known, was a great hulking individual possessing thick legs, no waist and bulging breasts, a non-descript hairstyle and sloppy, style-less clothes. She wore a constantly sneering expression and looked like the battle-toned warden of a maximum security women's prison... a no-nonsense disciplinarian who harbored within herself not one ounce of pity or forgiveness. She never walked, she stomped. She never spoke, she snarled. She hated. Period.


Well, almost period. There were a couple of people to whom she spoke in a softened tone: one was Rupert Winchester. Bea could sometimes be observed peering out from behind a computer screen, staring at Rupert while he sat writing his news stories. And she had been charged with teaching Rupert "the ropes", a job which entailed preparing him for his maiden newscast on the air. This meant coaching; she was able to concentrate on Rupert; sit beside him discussing his work; offering advice. Other newsroom personnel became aware of Bea's fixation with Rupert. She adored him, a fact that Rupert may never have realized. However, had he been aware, he would have ignored it because Rupert never, ever, ever wanted to create any waves.


Bea was also somewhat less churlish with one other member of the staff, Kristina Millman, who decided to assume an "understanding" with Bea, reaching the conclusion that it was better to be "nice" than to be sorry. Kristina often initiated chit-chat of a personal nature, took Bea into her "confidence" as it were, adopting a kind of "just between us girls" attitude which--although decisively lopsided--had the effect of softening Bea's bitterness. When Kristina was in the midst of one of her thrice-yearly moves and needed a place to crash for a few days, Bea, who was due to take a short vacation, allowed Kristina to use her flat, the inside of which was a forceful indictment of it's occupant--a disgusting mess of unwashed dishes, dirty clothing heaped in every corner, soiled sheets, filthy windows and a zoo of insect life.


Bea was not inclined to be cordial to Edward Caswell. She hated him. And he, her. If Ed fluffed a cart or made some other mistake Bea would wait until the end of the newscast, then with curled fists and flying spit, dress him down, using a shrill, penetrating voice, in the manner of a dog trainer teaching an errant puppy. However she didn't make much of an impression on Edward. To him, Bea was the human equivalent of an oil rig. Ed worked inside the "on-air" booth and saw little of the interplay between Bea and her two favorites. He had no idea that Bea was capable of having a "crush" on anyone. He pictured her as being a raving bull-dyke who went off to some secret club after work, a place where other big, ugly neo-women beat each other with leather straps, swore in the German language and drank whiskey mixed with bile. Ed once told someone that if there was ever a thought that could suppress the onset of orgasm it was the mental picture of Bea Caminada arriving at your door, stark naked, waving a condom.


One day, it became evident to the Channel Director, Kelly Dean, that Bea was a liability with her destructive personality and abysmal treatment of the station's personnel, especially the people working on the Chinese News team. He reached this conclusion the morning after Bea had caused a major hullabaloo when she forcefully ejected a member of the Chinese News staff, a woman named Miu, from one of the recording studios while Miu was attempting to record a story for the 7 o'clock Chinese News broadcast. According to witnesses it happened more or less as follows:


Miu: "...kongyip fung soi...” (door flies open with a crash, frightening Miu)...." AAAEEEEYYYYAAAAAAAAAA..."

Bea: "Can't you READ... the sign says this studio is for the exclusive use of the ENGLISH News team... GET OUT..."

Miu: "But I must record my stowee... I'm recordi..."

Bea: "I said GET OUT... this studio is for the use of the ENGLISH ..."

Miu: "Prease, prease I must...”

Bea grabs Miu's copy, yanks the cart out of the machine and throws them both out the door then looms menacingly over Miu who jumps up, bolts out of the studio and runs screeching to her boss, .

Miu: "CRALLA CRALLA .. Bea tol' me I..."



Clara Li was the supervisor of the Chinese desk, a short compact woman with sharp piercing eyes and no lips. She stalked to the studio where Bea was settling down to record a feature. Clara, no milquetoast, threw open the door....

Clara: "Please explain why it has taken place that you expelled Miu out of this studio? She was recording a stowee for..."

Bea: "SHUT UP. Can't you see I'm recording?"

Clara stared at Bea, then shut the door and returned to her desk where she wrote a blistering letter to Channel Director (PD) Kelly Dean.


The next day Kelly told Bea that she would henceforth be reporting from the field and that she should connect with Nick Griffin, who would help her get started. Griffin was Metro's only English language field reporter in Hong Kong. He spent much of his time in bars near the Central District police station, or at the ICAC where he wrote stories about illegally imported pig carcasses.


After working one full day with Bea Caminada, Griffin was so distraught he went to a pub, drank at least a dozen bottles of beer, staggered outside, slipped and fell in the gutter and was nearly run over by a light goods lorry. When he later passed out in his bed his last thoughts were that his life had taken an unexpected and horrible turn for the worse.


Bea, after working two weeks as a field reporter, began showing up back at Metro's studios complaining that reporting wasn't really working out that well. This move was met with near hysterical response from the rest of the staff. Shortly thereafter she left Metro and nobody missed her... except maybe Rupert Winchester who said he hadn't thought of her as being such a bad sort.
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Re: Part 38: The Bitch Reporter

Postby CubbyCam » Fri May 13, 2011 8:07 am

OMG that's a hilarious piece of writing. Politically (and a few other ways) incorrect, but hilarious. May your series never end Caswell. :-)
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Re: Part 38: The Bitch Reporter

Postby Steve Sanderson » Fri May 13, 2011 12:05 pm

HA!HA!.....Funny stuff Brian!
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Re: Part 38: The Bitch Reporter

Postby kat » Sat May 14, 2011 3:40 pm

Great stories Brian!! Please keep them coming!

:cat2:
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