by Brian Lord » Mon Apr 11, 2011 8:16 am
Brian Lord Stories #37
(How Edward Caswell (Brian Lord) Got His Name) #37
By Edward Caswell
(Editor's Note: Before Edward Caswell was Edward Caswell he had undergone considerable problems with his previous name -- Brian Lord -- so that when it came to changing his name to Edward Caswell he was already fed up with "name" problems. Keeping that in mind we have included a short "prequel" to the main theme. Also, I have switched from first person to third person for the Hong Kong tales being as I am writing under a pseudonym.)
Rena Lord lay in her hospital bed in the Post Delivery Room at St Paul's Hospital in Vancouver, Canada with a worn but contented look on her face. Worn because she had been through an exhausting experience--giving birth--and contented because her baby boy was healthy and she was finally at peace after nine months of discomfort and concern, a frequent condition of mothers, especially those carrying their firstborn. In Rena's case, this would be the only pregnancy she would endure because as her son grew older she realized that one child was enough!
Hovering over Rena, holding a clipboard to which was attached a printed form, was a member of the Administration staff of St Paul's--a nun, Sister Cynthia of the Cloisters--who was there to record official information about Rena's baby.
Sister Cynthia asked, "And what will we be calling the little one, my dear?"
Rena answered, "His first name will be Brian and his second name Caswell"
Sister Cynthia asked "And how will we be spelling the first name, my dear? With an "i" or with a "y"?"
Rena said "With a ....." At this point there was an interruption. Three beds over, Gleena Pilsudsky, was abruptly awakened when an orderly accidentally bumped her mattress while attempting to retrieve a bedpan. Gleena, who had just arrived in Canada from her native Poland and was ill at ease in the new country, let out a shriek that could be heard throughout much of the hospital and so frightened the orderly that he dropped the metal bedpan with a clatter, spilling it's contents all over the floor.
Sister Cynthia thought she had heard, over the ruckus, Rena say that the baby's name would be spelled with a "y" and that's what she wrote on the form. Rena had actually indicated it was to be spelled with an "i" and so Brian grew up spelling his name B-r-i-a-n and the mistake was not discovered for more than sixty years when he wrote the Government requesting a copy of his birth certificate in order to obtain a passport and found that the government apparently spelled his name with a "y".
The spelling became a problem when Brian found he must use "y". At least officially! When, in 1995, he arrived in Hong Kong and began work at Metro Broadcasting he encountered considerable fuss. He was forced to redo all the forms he had been required to fill out... switching the "i"'s to "y"'s. (He had, unthinkingly spelled his first name using an "i" instead of a "y"; Chinese are particular about such things.) He became decidedly fed up with the spelling of his name. In Canada no-one seemed to take notice.
His frustration came to a peak during his first full working day at Metro.
About three hours into his shift Bryan was at his desk learning how to run Metro's computer system. He had met most of his fellow workers---the financial reporter, the Sports reporter and the News Director, Brian Curtis, among others, when somebody yelled out "Bry/ian". Both Bryan Lord and Brian Curtis answered "Yes" and immediately Brian Curtis became excited..." WHAT... WHAT IS... OH GOD... this won't DO.. we can't have.. Brian's MY name... GODDAMMIT...we can't have TWO BRIANS... NO WAY... that's totally unacceptable... GODDAMMIT... MY name's Brian... now YOU (pointing to Bryan Lord) come in here with the SAME NAME... No No No... no no no no no... NO NO NO... this ISN'T GOING TO WORK... Every time anybody calls ME... YOU'LL be answering... and... no no no no no no NO NO NO. this isn't... HORROR, it's HORROR... what the HELL are we... no no"
By this time the newsroom had come to a standstill and the entire staff... both English and Chinese... were staring at either Brian Curtis or Bryan Lord. Brian Curtis was on his feet, running around between the desks and slamming things when Kelly Dean, the Channel Director, came out of his office.
"What's goin' on?" asked Kelly.
Brian Curtis said "Well it's a DISASTER. Poon just called me a minute ago from his desk and this NEW GUY answered because HIS name's Bryan TOO. Kelly we can't have this... there's got to be... we have to... "
Kelly said "Ok, Ok, settle down... let's just...”
Curtis (interrupts) "... We could lose RATINGS"
Kelly said "Ok Ok let's just settle down and discuss it. I knew his name was the same as yours, but I hadn't given it any thought...”
Curtis yelled "... FOR GOD'S SAKE, KELLY... I've been here for FOUR YEARS... I was here FIRST... I WAS THE FIRST BRIAN..."
(Kelly Dean was well aware of the nuances introduced in cases where "word confusion" lurked. Two examples: Kelly would not allow anyone to use the word "which" on the air. He felt that, somehow or other, it would confuse Chinese listeners into thinking that the announcer was not using the word as a pronoun but instead was referring to an old hag, dressed in black with a hooked nose and broken teeth flying around on a broom. Kelly also gave orders that the announcers must not use "may" in the copy... as in "... there may be a change..." Kelly decreed that "may" should be substituted by "could" or "might" because listeners would think that the announcer was referring to the MONTH of May, regardless of whether or not such use would be completely out of context.)
As Brian Curtis continued to mumble and swear, Kelly turned to Bryan Lord who sat transfixed, staring at a blank spot on the wall.
Kelly said... "What other names have you got?"
Lord said "Huh?"
Kelly... "Other names... we've got to get you another name... and get this crap out of the way..."
Lord ”How about Caswell Whiteside. Those are family na..."
Kelly "Naaaa, that sounds like a cheap Hollywood movie...”
Lord ”Well then Edward, Edward Caswell. Caswell's my middl...."
Kelly "Fine, fine, fine... LISTEN EVERYBODY... THIS... (Point’s to Bryan Curtis who is leaning against a pole, slack-jawed, ashen-faced and trembling.) THIS is BRYAN CURTIS. And that new guy there... he's EDWARD CASWELL now. E-D-W-A-R-D C-A-S-W-E-L-L... DO NOT MAKE A MISTAKE...He's EDWARD CASWELL so nobody will get confused. GOT THAT?”
Curtis ”What if he forgets?"
Kelly Dean "You're not going to forget are you Edward?"
Edward Caswell: "................ fuck no, man...."
People hardly spoke to Edward Caswell for the next two weeks. And when they did they did not call him by name. He had no friends. That is, until two new people came to Metro... a young lady named Kristina Millman and a British fellow named Rupert Winchester. They both thought Brian Curtis was an asshole.
Brian Lord