Vancouver: Home of the Cult of Non-Celebrity

[Glen Livingstone]

For a town that views itself as a world-class destination, Vancouver's smalltown mentality continues to permeate its seldom scary, not-too-mean streets like a whiff of cheap grey-market cologne.

Nowhere is this more apparent than Vancouver's continuing idle worship and love affair with the non-celebrity.

Unlike genuine celebrities, non-celebrities are famous for not being famous, and Vancouver is lousy with them.

Non-celebrities come in many shapes and sizes but they share one common trait: They are universally recognized by fellow Vancouverites but rarely by anyone residing outside the city limits. Our non-celebrities usually toil in the city's media-mills. People like Pamela Martin, Michael Smyth, Shel Busey, and the commuting sunbird Jennifer Burke (or is it Mather?) are a few examples.

But working in media is not a prerequisite to achieving non-celebrity status in Vancouver.

Condo King Bob Rennie and politician David Emerson are also fine examples of the non-celebrity. We are intensely interested in their opinions on everything from housing issues to what they think we should do with B.C. Place. At the same time we'd like to know what restaurants they frequent on a regular basis, what kind of vehicles they drive to all of their charity auctions, winebar openings and gala-gala do's and, if possible, the names and ages of all of their adorable children.

When Jennifer Burke flew in from her California home to tape a series of lifestyle shows for CBC-TV, the media flurry it created rivalled the furor over Martha Stewart's release from jail a couple of years ago.

There were daily articles in The Vancouver Sun and Province and a cover story in that oracle of Vancouver non-celebrity worship, TV Week magazine.

TV Week is actually a hotbed of Vancouver non-celebrity activity. Here we have a number of Vancouver non-celebrities including Catherine Dunwoody (Vancouver editor, Lou Lou Magazine), Wendy Cocchia (president, Absolute Spa Group), Kid Carson (morning host, The Beat 94.5 FM), Elaine Lui (Lainey from lainygossip.com and eTalk correspondent) and Val Cole (CFUN talkshow host) holding court on a number of subjects concerning, well, real celebrities.

In their respective columns they offer up trash-talk on the perceived fashion violations of their weekly victims (Crimes of Fashion) and dish up the dirt on Hollywood's finest (Entertainment Hot Sheet). One correspondent, Darren Parkman (Star Spotting), spends what seems to be an inordinate amount of time following movie stars around our town and reporting on which restaurants they were seen dining in. But hey, it's all in a day's work for Vancouver's non-celebrities.

TV Week's Mailbag section is a bogus selection of made-up letters-to-the-editor posing inane questions with answers that could be easily found on Google by its so-called correspondents in a nano-second. But the monster that is the non-celebrity-thirsty public must be fed.

Does anyone ever stop to poke a stick at these non-celebrities and their work?

No. The local radio stations, television stations, newspapers and magazines are intertwined in a gigantic electronic circle jerk. To do so would be career suicide for anyone who dared. And so on it goes.

Last week, three reporters from the Vancouver Sun teamed up to write one of the finest examples of a non-story I've ever read. It concerned the celebrities football superstar David Beckham and his wife, ex-Spice Girl Victoria.

There was no story to be had, so these writers actually took the time to sit down and make one up. Here's how de-railed their collective train-of-thought went: Because the Beckhams would soon be relocating to Los Angeles, it was practically inevitable, these writers reasoned, that of course the celebrity couple would inevitably travel north to Vancouver for a visit. And if and when they did arrive, these reporters somehow imagined where they would go to dine, shop stay and visit. Probably. Maybe, if they have any taste but they don't because they are, after all, celebrities.

Insane, but what the hell, it's news isn't it? Sort of.

Welcome to the convoluted f'ed-up world of smalltown Vancouver and its coterie of non-celebrities.

We're not world-class, we're bush league.

But try and convince the non-celebrities that hold court here of that.

See you at Morton's at eight for cocktails.

Bring your disposable camera baby, and we'll party like it's 1959.


? 2007 RadioWest.ca

[johnsykes]

Speaking of non-celeb's....don't you think it would be appropriate for Vancouver's mayor to invite Ms. Spears, Ms. Hilton and Ms. Lohan to visit the fair city. I think the tabloids and daily papers would just drool over such an event.

[Waxy O'Connor]

You forgot to mention The Late Great "Pez".