Homeless Cops in Scotland

[Neumann Sennheiser]

I'm here on a short visit to Glasgow this week (awesome city; really turned around from "Trainspotting" movie image).
I came across this editorial column piece in the morning paper.
Think it couldn't happen here?


When It Comes To Homeless Police, Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction

MICHAEL TIERNEY July 24 2007

It's a scene from an alternative universe - one that looks suspiciously like rural Scotland. An abandoned Transit van at the side of the road. A young man, a bit unkempt, a little grizzled-looking, enters a local shop, where the owner eyes him suspiciously. The man wanders around for a minute, looking up at the mirrors placed strategically above the frozen food section. An elderly gent in reduced circumstances once stole a 3lb frozen chicken from here back in 1988, by secreting it beneath his hat.

The young man, in his tatty black uniform and scuffed shoes, shifts from boot to boot. "Call the police," shouts the suspicious owner, recalling the chicken disturbance. The young man looks shamefaced. It's a face we've all seen before. Tired and homeless. He totters along the road to a chip shop to see if there are any left-over buttered rolls. Before he leaves, his face a picture of embarrassment, he shouts back: "I am the police."

It's tough being a copper these days.

"It's pretty grim," says a genuine hobo, on condition of anonymity and the price of a can of Sweetheart stout. "They're everywhere. They're like a tramp's wee dug. Cannae get shot of them. Even if they don't own property here, you shouldn't judge them. Just because they're homeless doesn't mean they're bad or should have to move on."

The homeless police problem, it seems, is simply getting out of hand. To be honest, there's nothing worse than going for a night out in the west Highlands and coming across yet another hands-outstretched itinerant, imploring you for a few sovereigns to help him buy a decent house. Heard it. You'll just drink it, son.

Not too far way, in another part of our alternative world, a wee wifie has dialled 999 after a string of break-ins at her ice-cream shop. Chocolate Magnums and Twisters were the knock-off of choice. Trouble is, the local policeman can't get to her on time because he's also homeless. He's been posted away from where he lives with his wife and family. The cost of houses in the area has meant that the family has remained at home.

Another man estimates he's seen more than a few policemen huddled round a can of super-lager. "It was all we could afford," according to one of them, a sheepish, slightly dishevelled officer known as "Sarge". But the real problem lies with the more unruly officers who berate shoppers for refusing them handouts.

Back in the real world, life is almost as strange. Apparently, house prices in the west Highlands are so high that some police officers are now unable to afford their own accommodation. One has, yes, even registered as homeless, while the other two sleep in a Transit and yacht respectively. I'm sure these real officers do their jobs very well, but they shouldn't be put in this position.

Rightly, the Police Federation is furious that Northern Constabulary appears to be doing little to stop the crisis, warning that the force, which is currently trying to recruit officers, may instead lose serving police men and women. They have my backing. If I'm going to be arrested for something, I'd hope that those doing the arresting at least had their own central heating. The force's transfer policy has upset the rank and file. At least one of the officers is thinking about quitting.

Most officers have no choice when told to move to another posting, even if they can't afford it. Something is seriously wrong here if the police are sleeping on the street. Literally. Or in vans. How would Northern Constabulary feel if Scotland's homeless community started moonlighting in the crime prevention business?

At this rate, the number of homeless police officers looks set to double or triple as house prices rise exponentially. In light of this, rural business owners might be encouraged to do more to fight crime; it would be a good idea for them to have a supply of sleeping bags to deal with their homeless police population.

What really worries me is that our homeless police are not properly trained in the art of wearing two left brogues six sizes too big for them, eating leftover broccoli from Marks and Sparks and singing two verses of old music hall ditties over and over again for ten bob.

If it continues like this, with policemen living in or near bins, I predict a backlash. And the beginnings of a real homeless people's union. To get the real homeless off the street. Hmmm. Maybe that's no bad thing.

[Radio Man]

That was a bad picture you painted about Glasgow. Trainspotting movie conditions. Glasgow is the most enchanting place on our planet.

[Neumann Sennheiser]

Hey! I'm a Scot and a huge fan of Glasgow (Go Celts!..Fook the 'Gers!). More "soul" than Edinburgh too.